I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
