How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize