I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
