What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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