My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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