captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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