we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
