So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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