As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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