Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
