Fine. I'll sleep in my office
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
We're too hungover to prance.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
Randomize
