What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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