you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
she peed on how many people?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
Randomize
