1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
