ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
