Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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