Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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