Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
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