we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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