Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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