I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
