I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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