just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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