He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
you inspire me to be a worse person
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
