call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
