blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
