So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
