put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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