update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
