Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
