Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
