..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
