i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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