if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Houston, we have a squirter
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
