Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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