Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Randomize
