Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
