Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
