just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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