dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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