nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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