nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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