Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
