he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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