I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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