She is in my trunk
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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