remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
