This dress was meant to end up on your floor
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
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