I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
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