I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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