i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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