and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
