Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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